An Epiphany While Watching Biggest Loser

Last night was the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. I'm not gonna lie, I was apprehensive. I didn't really approve of the weight loss of last year's winner Rachel. She looked SO thin to me! I was also a little put off that all of the contestants would be pro athletes. 

I must admit, though, that I really enjoyed it! I love the Bob twist, it is very Survivor-like, and a fun surprise. I love that no one knows about him until elimination. 

What hit me the hardest was Lori telling Jessie about her multiple miscarriages. As I listened to her story I realized that my miscarriage was where all of my weight issues began.

In February of 1998, right around my daughter's first birthday, I found out I was  pregnant. We were surprised but very happy! Shortly after, I went to a birthday party for the son of a casual friend. It was at a sort of kid gym, and I climbed the ladders and ropes to the top and slid down the long slide with my daughter. 

At the bottom, the birthday boy's mom looked at me with disgust and said "you just killed your baby". 

Yeah. That happened. She said it, and it weighed on me.

Shortly after, I miscarried. 

I was devastated. Her words haunted me for weeks. I ate everything in sight. I went from 150 pounds to about 180 pounds in a matter of a few months.

The next time I saw that woman, she said  "I told you that you killed your baby."

I kid you not.

No matter that my doctor told me I absolutely did not kill my baby. 

No matter that the ultrasound showed the baby had died weeks before, and not the week of the party. 

No matter that I had fibroids and come from a family with a history of miscarriages. 

All that mattered were her words.

The baby would have been a Halloween baby, so that was not a fun holiday for me for a long time. It still sits wrong with me 16 years later, but now it takes me a few hours to figure out what is bothering me. 

I know that I am a stress eater, I know how to eat properly. I have lost the weight before, after the birth of my son, so I know that I can do it. 

I guess what I need to do now is face my demons and move on. Is that even possible? I'm not sure. 

Now that I have realized where the problem began, I am hoping this will help me take the steps to build a healthier me!

I think I need a little angel on my shoulder pin to keep me motivated and remind me that it wasn't my fault. 

Did you watch the Biggest Loser? What did you think? What do you think of the new trainers?